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Dear Hellen:
The State of Eritrea is in receipt of your letter dated October 4, 2002 wherein you inform us that you had purchased $15,000.00 worth of Eritrean Bonds and that you hereby generously forgive the loan in its entirety.
It is my duty to inform you that I have forwarded your letter to my boss, Eritrea’s Foreign Minister, His Excellency Ali Said who promptly forwarded it to his boss, Yemane Gebreab, the Party’s Political Director and an Advisor to His Excellency, President Isaias Afwerki. Mr. Yemane Gebreab has posted the letter at his website, Shaebia.org, and its junior partner, Kiddie Website, who will post it as soon as they find gaudy graphics to accompany it and create a theme with the signature typo and headings that massacre the English language. (I love those kids but, I swear, they must be on crack.) Mr Yemane Gebreab has also forwarded your letter to His Mouth, Yemane Gebremeskel, to brief His Excellency President Isaias Afwerki about finding ways to honor your contribution. The President tasked the three of us to come with a means of honoring you.
Subsequent to the President’s Directive, Yemane Gebreab, Yemane Gebremeskel and I had a telephone conference to discuss your letter. All three of us are graduates of American universities and, in our youth, we used to listen to the revolutionary songs of Boy Dylan. During our conversation, Mr. Yemane Gebrab said that your letter reminded him of a song by Bob Dylan, he just could not place it. As you know, in addition to being a first-rate diplomat, a world-class soccer play, and an-all-around charming person with irresistible sexual magnetism, I am also a musicologist. Thus, I was able to think of the Dylan song Mr. Yemane Gebreab was thinking of. It is called “Positively 4th Street” and it has the following line:
Do you take me for such a fool
To think I’d make contact
With the one who tries to hide
What he don’t know to begin with.
Similarly, argued Yemane, how can anyone give something that is not theirs to begin with? The money is ours! “These Americans!” ranted Yemane Gebremeskel, “don’t they get it? We call it a ‘bond’ because we are already getting the income tax (2% income), the three-year long dollar-a-day-keeps-weyane-away, (by the way, remind me to come up with two-dollars-a-day keeps the Arabs away in our fight with Yemen and Sudan!) the “community-based-initiative” of a one time $500-$1,500…The bond was a gimmick! Don’t they get it?”
“Well, it still remains a loan, in the eyes of the legalistic types,” argued Yemane Gebreab, “a loan can be either written off or paid off. The only way to write it off is to declare bankruptcy and we can’t do that. So a forgiveness is brilliant….”
“What loan?!” interjected Yemane Gebremeskel, “It is a duty. Judaism teaches that a person should pay 10% of what he earns to charity. Similar calls for Muslims and Christians. A Jew doesn’t consider donating 10% of his income a loan whose forgiveness requires praise; he says, ‘it is not my money to begin with; it is my duty!’ How many times has The Man reminded them that this is their duty?”
“But he still praised them,” I interrupted them, “it is, politically, the smart thing to do. Besides, how are we going to raise money for our new wars unless people forgive the old loans?”
My brilliance seems to have won the day as they both agreed with my penetrating logic. Thereafter, we continued on our conference call on ways to find a means to reward your altruism. Despite my superior intellect, we were unable to come up with any new ideas until Yemane suggested that we loop in Hagos Kisha into our conversation.
We located Hagos Kisha, somewhere in the Far East, as he was shopping for basic Eritrean necessities (food and guns.) We briefed him on our conversation and, within seconds, he had come up with a perfect plan. This is not because he is smarter than me; it is just that he was in the United States more recently than me:
“Listen comrades!” he said, “Doesn’t anyone watch American Television? I will give you a clue: Can you say PBS?’’
Of course, I was the first one to understand what he was talking about:
“You mean that we would give something of value for the loan forgiven?” “Bingo!” He said, “What could we give?”
Here, we all made suggestions on what to give. What does a person who has donated huge amounts of money and is willing to forgive the loan and is willing to make more donations value the most?
“An autographed picture of The Man?” I asked. How about a life-long subscription to Shaebia.org, offered Yemane Gebrab. “How about we say, “this day of independence in Eritrea brought to you by…….and fill in the donor’s name?’” said Yemane Gebremeskel…
“You are all on the right track, but not there yet. You still haven’t understood what motivates a Shaebia Lover. You have to find a way of bestowing on them a super-citizen status. This is what I am thinking of….” Said Hagos Kisha and told us the plan. After he had disconnected the phone, we all marveled at Hagos’ enterprising mind and were grateful that Eritrea has such unique children who dedicate all their time and energy working for the nation and not their own personal benefit. The two Yemane’s asked me to draw up the plan and here it is: Donation Status $25,000 + Friend of Isaias (FIA) Citizen (Highest Honor) $20,000 - $24,999 Kryptonite Citizen (Untouchable) $15,000 - $19,999 Platinum Citizen (Better Than Gold) $10,000 - $14,999 Gold Citizen (24 karat baseline) $5,000 - $ 9,999 Silver Citizen (poor man's gold) $1 - $4,999 Bronze Citizen (a goldmine) $0 Weyane Agent
With your donation, you are now a Platinum Citizen, four tiers above a normal (bronze) citizen and only two steps away from being an FIA. Your donation entitles you unrestricted entry visa to Eritrea, a preferred status to government contracts and the unique satisfaction of moral smugness. Attached, please find a Platinum Citizen Certificate, signed by yours truly, His Excellency Girma Asmerom.
Sincerely,
His Excellency Girma Asmerom
Ambassador, State of Eritrea
PS: The varying levels of the citizenship status can be withdrawn at any time, for any reason. Donation does not entitle you to expect a country ruled by law. You are not to inquire of disappeared citizens or ask that they be brought to a court of law with legal representation or such like American nonsense. If I am arrested for no reason, please assume that there is a reason. Thank you. PPS: Please understand that if YOU are arrested, I will assume that there is a good reason for that, too. |
