Don�t bother asking!  She could not tell you if she wanted.  But the inexplicability of her life hardly reflects a lack of intelligence on her part.  It is the life itself which is unexplainable.  This new Eritrean woman, like a growing number of people today, moves in a world that asks her to live an incoherent life.  And she does it superbly. 

Observe her at work, where server is more likely to be something she maintains, or connects to, rather than a description of her role.  As a young professional, the hours she is expected to put in leave her little downtime.  Yet she keeps the condo, loft, or apartment faultlessly arranged and well adorned. Not like your mother�s either, gone are the gaudy centerpieces nearly falling over under the weight of  porcelain and bric-a-bracs. Then find her at a trendy cafe, all the accouterments of modern life on hand, including the five-dollar latte.  You�ll also hear her nonchalantly mention trips abroad, not just Eritrea (although this, too), but also places like Jamaica, the Bahamas, Brazil, and other American journeys of the self, a rite of passage for young professionals; sometimes she�ll surprise you with a reference to the time (s) something happened to her while skiing, or a sudden memory surfaced from her cruise.  Very little in her life seems forced on her: friends, career, place of residence, pleasures.  You name it she chooses it (or not).  All are things Western culture values highly, especially the mobility and autonomy this sort of lifestyle promises.  

So what can possibly go wrong?  During various insightful conversations with some incredibly articulate women I picked up a common thread in their stories, that of anxiety; a certain kind of angst about their newly won place in the world seemed to loom in the background.   

They had arrived; now what?  Of course, in their practical wisdom the problem never presents itself in this vaguely philosophical way.  To bring in just one often-cited topic for better illustration: Once a friend dropped this rhetorical question in the middle of a conversation, �Where are the Eritrean men?� (No offense taken)  Another asked, �Do you expect your wife to do all the cooking and cleaning?� Still another, �It should be fifty-fifty, right?�  Anyone lucky enough to have faced these loaded questions quickly learns steak is not the only thing at stake.  For these smart and savvy Eritrean women, these issues work something like the abortion issue in American politics, rooted in real struggle they serve a perhaps greater purpose as bold markers of identity: are you with us or against us!  But others attitudes coexist with these.  For example, one woman with an especially sharp wit confided she would not�t totally object to her parents getting more �involved.�  All this is deeply complicated, but it nevertheless shares one central theme. Uncertainty.  I�ve arrived.  Now what?  It is like a solider rejoining civilian life.  But these women are far too �well-adjusted� and pragmatic to let ideological issues get the best of their humanity.  In a society where uncertainty stands as the only remaining certainty, they are not so naive or egoistic as to imagine there�s one clear cut answer. So, again, what is specifically the problem within their general uncertainty?  

Clearly, the problem is not about �finding a man.�  These Eritrean women, on the whole, come a dime a dozen for grateful men in the larger society. I know of one situation of an American man �courting� an Eritrean woman in full knowledge of the fact that she plans to end the relationship if and when she finds another Eritrean.  As we move out of the ghettos and into mainstream American life, this kind of gratefulness tends to elicit more returns in kind.  Within the last few years I personally know of six (possibly seven) such couples, two of them have already made their vows.     

Let me risk making some connections by referring back to �Where are all the Eritrean men?�  One could answer matter-of-factly by pointing out this lack owes more to her education and tax bracket, that there is no lack or shortage of Eritrean men in general.  See for yourself at the next gwayla.  But the rise in income and education these new women undergo probably narrows the possible candidates, something not necessarily true for men.  Name the last time you heard of a woman going to Adi to fetch her lifelong mate?  I could be completely wrong here, but this is just one mundane part of an interesting puzzle. 

I went on to ask some why they, in the throes of emancipation, considered finding an Eritrean mate important in the first place.  Most fell into a studied silence, at once recognizing the profound nature of their commitment, yet also not wishing to give post hoc rationalizations.   

Others accounted for their desire in terms of cultural affinities and mutual understanding, an argument consistent with the emancipated theme of their self-image.  �Really,� I would inevitably say, �sounds to me like you pair up better with more Americans than Eritreans.  I mean, if culture and mutuality is the thing....�  I was not just playing the devil�s advocate; I wanted to play up the tension between the logic of an emancipated theme and a deeply held desire to find one of their own.  One just does not sit very easily with the other.  In the former she is a work of art, trying out people and situations as artists do brushes and paint, to test whether they are �really her,� if they mesh well with one another.  In the latter, she is expected to be a certain kind of person for certain other kinds of persons, and this acts as a standard by which she is judged.  Though this way of life should not be looked at as oppressive, because it has its own set of joys and values, its relative self-neglect fundamentally distinguishes it from the self of the new woman, an individual meticulously self-conscious of her achieved autonomy and mobility.   

But it is important not to misunderstand what this means for her.  Being autonomous and mobile does not mean posing the diva who must have it her way or no way.  In fact, this type of temperament belongs in the camp of those not fortunate enough to have any real freedom or control over their lives.  Bad attitude is essentially a defensive posture taken in more or less hopeless predicaments. Our new woman does not need it.  Her freedom and control show in her openness to new forms of life�maybe even to those experiences initially threatening to her freedom.  Perhaps some snapshots of her doing this will suffice.  A new type of woman, who we�ll call Helen, was catching me up on her tour de force of Eritrea.  Of her many wonderful and sometimes hilarious stories, her problem with modes of communication makes the point.  As an IT worker her conduct is casual but to the point, a must for her multi-tasked life.  However, she quickly observed people were not overly impressed with her directness.  Awkwardly, she began to tone down the eye contact and to adorn her bare-bone Tigrinya.  Another who we will also call Helen was not much of a walker, or a traveler by bus.  Yet she found herself doing a lot of both.  She wanted to get her own car and go off on her own, but she had to consider others� wishes.  They insisted on showing her around.  Even as she told of finally tagging along, she often remarked only if so-and-so could have seen her stuffed on the bus, or trekking through this village, or doing some other thing she was not known to do.  Yet she did it all without much ado.  Both of these cases highlight two things, an ability to go with the flow, as well as the relentless awareness of who she is or is not independent of others, and any particular place.  This awareness follows the individual like a guardian angle, noting when a particular situation, pattern of dress, or demeanor is not really her.  This constant searching and assertion of identity explains what I mean by her meticulous self-consciousness.  Even as she goes with the flow her real self looks on with bemused interest. 

This meticulous self-consciousness helps to explain why so few ever find themselves in the trip to Adi.  Because the phrase finding your self merely restates positively what the phrase losing your self states negatively.  Such deep involvement and commitment makes the question,�is this really me?� cease to have any meaning.  Meticulous self-consciousness just will not allow for this.

Might this aspect throw some light on the anxiety I sensed in their discussions on Eritrean men?  In talking about the subject of marriage they may in effect be saying much more, about everything from their sophisticated lattes and swank apartments to their experience of freedom and emancipation: I�ve worked hard, they assert, maybe even with some luck, to possess these things which I currently enjoy, in addition to the ability to chose what these are; I also value the relative freedom I have in my life as a result.  But I cannot help but feel the need to form deeper bonds and make stronger commitments.  There is something to being a certain kind of person for certain other kinds of persons. Things of this sort, I sense, cannot simply be tacked on like so many other choices all about me.